The Discovery
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Part 5: Barricade and Bumblebee have a "reunion" and the Decepticons entertain themselves with human games- particularly the ones where Blackout can get away with causing the others severe physical harm.
1. Splish, Splash

Hmm...so they don't know what water is, but they know what a cannonball is... Makes perfect sense to me!

* * *

The Decepticons all stood around this strange new substance. It appeared to be a liquid of some sort, but it was nothing like the fluids on Cybertron. It was clear and runny instead of colored and viscous like most of the fluids on their planet. Scans showed that things were even living in it.

"What is it?" Blackout asked.

"I don't know," Starscream shook his head.

"Is it safe?" Bonecrusher inquired.

"Only one way to find out." Starscream picked Barricade up off the ground and threw him into the liquid.

"Barry-cade!" Frenzy panicked. He jumped up on top of a rock and stared into the liquid, frantically trying to locate his partner.

"Hey Barricade, is it safe?!" Brawl called out.

Barricade resurfaced in the center. He shook the excess fluid off his head and quickly checked his limbs for any sign of damage. He sighed in relief when he found none and glared at Starscream. "You bastard! You could have killed me!"

"So? I didn't, and that's all that matters," Starscream replied coldly.

"Barricade, are you okay?" Brawl called to him. "You aren't hurt or anything, right?"

"No...I'm not hurt. I'm just wet and angry!" he called back.

Starscream stepped away from the liquid's edge and ran a scan on it to find out what it was. The rest of the Decepticons focused on Barricade.

"Mmph...I'm stuck!" he complained. "Something's snagged my leg! Can one of you come out here and help me?"

"No," Bonecrusher shook his head.

"Why?" Starscream asked indifferently.

Frenzy and Scorponok were both too small to be of any assistance, and Brawl was too coward to go into the liquid himself.

"Guys! You can't just leave me here!" Barricade said, a little scared and panicky when the others opted to instead watch him suffer rather than help.

Blackout looked around angrily at their unhelpful comrades. "Oh for the love of Primus! Don't everybody jump in at once! Hang on, Barricade! I'm coming!" He looked over at Starscream. "What's this stuff made out of?"

"Two hydrogen molecules and one oxygen," Starscream replied, not looking up from his scan.

"Alright, that sounds safe enough..." Blackout began to back up.

"Blackout, what are you doing?" Barricade called to him.

"He isn't seriously going to do what I think he's going to do...is he?" Bonecrusher asked Brawl.

"Primus, I think he is..." Brawl replied.

Blackout took a running start. "Cannonball!" His splash created a tidal wave that drenched the other Decepticons and emptied most of the pond. Frenzy caught a fish that flopped past the 70ft tree he was now clinging to the top of.

"I hate this wet stuff!" Bonecrusher growled, shaking himself off.

"Yes...I do too..." Starscream agreed, swatting a frog off his head.

Scorponok ran in circles, chirping excitedly. Through their connection, Blackout could hear something along the lines of a gleeful, _"Do it again! Do it again!"_

"Barricade? Barricade, where are you?" Blackout called out. He started to grow nervous when he wouldn't respond. "Barricade!"

"Blackout, try checking under your fat ass!" Bonecrusher yelled.

"Hrmm?" Blackout looked down. "Oh!" He quickly stood up and pulled Barricade out from under what was left of the waves, tugging his leg free and holding him in his arms much like he would hold Scorponok when he was lulling him to sleep. He pulled the pond weeds out of Barricade's face while he coughed to expell the fluid from his systems. "I'm sorry Cade... Are you alright?"

"I was tossed into a strange liquid that could have killed me... I got my leg stuck... No one would help me... And then I got sat on by a fragging mountain-sized mech!! How the hell do you think I am?!" Barricade snapped.

"I'm sorry..." Blackout repeated, carrying him to the shore. He set him down on the now-muddy ground 10 feet away from the bank.

"I know you're sorry, Blackout. You're sorry every time you sit on me- which is a lot!"

"Should of just left you there, you ungrateful, self-centered bitch," Blackout growled.

Barricade stood up and shook the fluid off himself. "I'm really starting to hate this planet..."

"Oh, you're only starting?" Bonecrusher replied.

* * *

I'm thinking of writing another story or two about something stupid the Decepticons discover, but I don't know what I want to write about. Any suggestions? (although I can't guarantee your suggestion _will _be used)


	2. Don't Feed The Zoo Animals!

Thanks to Tiger Timberwolf, whose comment was the beginning spark for this story. The comment: "Heh. Not bad. I'd say...discoveries could include a great deal of local flora and fauna." The mention of discovering local fauna made me think, "I wonder what would happen if the Decepticons came across a zoo?"

Once again, Blackout fascinates me with his hidden amount of human knowledge. I guess maybe he's the only one that really pays attention to his surroundings.

**_Note: If you don't get the walrus joke, go read my story, "The Great Canadian Wilderness"._**

* * *

"Blackout, what is that thing that you're tormenting?" Starscream asked.

"I believe the Earth child called it a "cat", Sir," Blackout replied holding it up by its hind legs and observing it. The cat wasn't used to being handled so roughly and was frantically trying to escape.

"Let it go! The last thing we need is to have to carry around some hideous Earth being!" he snapped.

"Hey, I think it kind of looks like Barricade! Don't you think?" Blackout asked, holding the cat up to Barricade's face.

"I look nothing like that disgusting fur demon. Now move it before I kill it," Barricade threatened.

The cat wiggled and got free, then took off running. "Aww, it got away," Blackout said with a hint of disappointment in his tone.

They suddenly came to a park of some sorts, filled with various creatures locked in cages. "What the hall…?" Bonecrusher gasped.

"Okay, who's idea was this?" Starscream asked.

"What idea?" Brawl inquired.

"The idea to take a shortcut through this place," he continued. Everyone pointed at Frenzy. "I should have known…"

"So what is this place?" Barricade asked.

"It seems to be a prison of sorts for various organic creatures…" Starscream observed. "Don't touch anything. They must be locked in here for a reason!"

"Aww, these things are kind of cute," Brawl said, observing a cage full of monkeys. He reached in to touch one. "Ow! It bit me!"

"I said don't touch anything!" Starscream scolded.

"I kind of like these things over here," Barricade said.

Blackout walked over to him to read the description of the creatures he was looking at. "It says, "Mexican Wolf". Hmm…wolf… I've heard of those somewhere…" He glanced around the area and realized that these organic creatures were this planet's animal life, just like that cat he was torturing earlier. "Oh, I know what this place is! Humans keep animals locked in here so they can stare at them, throw food at them, and poke them with sharp objects!"

"Sweet mother of Primus, what are they flinging at me?!" Brawl screamed.

"So, the kitty cat likes wolves, hmm?" Blackout asked.

"For the last time, I look nothing like those fur beasts!" Barricade snapped.

"What about these?" Blackout asked, pointing at his helm sensors. "Hey Bonecrusher, what do these look like to you?"

"Cat ears," Bonecrusher replied.

"They do not!" Barricade protested.

"And why do you have these claws, like a cat?" Blackout continued, grabbing his wrist and holding his hand up.

Barricade yanked his hand free. "Lots of Decepticons have claws! Hell, some Autobots do too!"

"And you like to fall asleep in the sun…and chew on plants…and you're cantankerous and irritable- just like a cat!"

"I'm not irritable!!" he snapped angrily.

"Barricade chews on plants?" Bonecrusher asked.

"No!" Barricade defended.

"Barricade, just moments ago, Starscream and I made you spit out a stick," Blackout countered.

"You can't prove that!"

"Oh, and also, whenever someone scritches this one spot on your head, you get all euphoric and start purring."

"I do not- woah…" Blackout started scritching his head, causing him to instantly drop his argument and calm down. His engine started to make a low rumbling, almost like a purring sound. He suddenly realized what he was doing and yanked his head away. He glared at Blackout. "This…means…nothing!"

"On second thought, his head kinda makes me think of Batman…" Bonecrusher pointed out.

"Hey, yeah!" Blackout agreed. "Wait…who's Batman?"

"I don't know…I saw it on a poster somewhere on the way here…" Bonecrusher thought out loud.

Barricade noticed something behind Bonecrusher and smiled evily. "Hey Bonecrusher…"

"Hrmm?"

"Walrus!" he smirked sadistically, pointing to the walrus enclosure. Bonecrusher screamed with a voice about 3 octaves higher and ran away from them.

Scorponok was having fun harassing the tigers. He chased them all over the enclosure and even got a tigress up a tree. Bored with the tigers, he advanced on the zebras and the prairie dogs that were not too far away.

"Where's Frenzy?" Barricade asked. He was answered moments later when a frightened llama ran past with the mini-con clinging to its back, riding it like a horsie. "Oh…"

"What did I tell you about touching things?!" Starscream growled. "Frenzy, put that thing back where you found it!"

Frenzy and the llama ran under him, causing him to lose his balance and fall over backwards, smashing into a glass enclosure. The other Decepticons nearly fell over laughing at him.

"Wow, so that's our self-proclaimed leader right there, huh?" Blackout laughed.

"Up yours!" Starscream snarled.

"Wow Screamer, you're right! You _are _a better leader than Megatron!" Barricade said sarcastically. "You see, Megatron had a habit of doing everything right, so we never really had a chance to laugh at him for doing stupid stuff like this!"

Starscream shook the glass off his head and gave him the finger. He suddenly felt something slithering across him and noticed that there were two anacondas wrapping around him. He quickly jumped up. "Oh Primus!! Get them off! Get them off!"

"Look Scorponok! Snakes on a Plane!" Blackout laughed. Scorponok let out an amused trill.

Starscream pulled them off and hurled them into the crocodile enclosure. He backed away quickly before they could escape.

"What's the matter, Starscream? Scared of a couple of reptiles?" Bonecrusher asked smugly.

"Wow, Bonecrusher, was that a taunt?!" Blackout asked, amazed.

"Yep."

"Nice, B.C.!" He high-fived him.

"I think we've had enough fun for one day…" Starscream growled. "Alright, let's go!"

"Take care, Bobo, Chim-Chim, and Peanut!" Brawl called to the monkeys. Peanut reached out and stole something from him. "Hey! Give that back!"

"We'll get you a new sippy cup, Brawl. Just keep moving," Barricade replied, pushing him along.

* * *

Hopefully my next update on anything will be soon. I start school tomorrow. DX


	3. The Scream

Wow, it didn't occur to me until after I submitted it that in the last chapter, Bonecrusher makes fun of Starscream for being scared of snakes...which seems pretty arrogant coming from someone who previously ran screaming from walruses. XD

This chapter was written after I met my classmate's daughter, who has to be the cutest human sparkling I've ever seen. She even smiled at me! :D

* * *

Also, before I begin... You will not believe what kind of conversations I've had this week:

**Them:** So, which one's Prowl?

**Me:** He's the one that transforms into a police cruiser.

**Them:** No, that's Barricade.

...and another...

**Them:** Wait, I thought Prowl turned into a motorcycle?

I think I've died inside...Especially since these weren't 7-year-olds I was talking to (which would have been understandable; sad, but understandable)... They were my classmates! I'm a fragging senior!

* * *

The Decepticons were making about as much noise as possible as they slunk through an alleyway late at night. "Quiet! No one can see us, remember?!" Barricade whispered harshly to his comrades.

"It's not our fault we've got so much bulk! It's these stupid alt-modes!" Blackout protested. "I mean look at Brawl! The poor guy can't even touch his head!"

Brawl was trying hard to scratch an itch on his head, but his arms wouldn't bend enough. "Oh god...it itches so badly!"

"See? We're all so very top-heavy!"

"Well maybe you should have chosen a smaller vehicle mode, like me!" Barricade retorted. "I don't know, maybe even one that blends in, maybe just a little?"

"Ouch! Brawl, move over! You're practically standing on me!" Bonecrusher growled, pushing him away.

"I said, be quiet!" Barricade snapped.

"He started it," Bonecrusher defended.

"I don't care who started it! I'll finish it!" he continued. Brawl and Bonecrusher continued to lightly shove each other while they listened to his rant. "We are in a narrow alleyway in a human city! You four don't exactly blend into a civilian environment very well!"

"What do you mean by that?" Bonecrusher asked in an offended tone.

"I mean, how many Buffalo armored vehicles do you see in the city?"

"I myself only see one, and it's standing in between the one tank and the helicopter," Starscream backed him up.

Brawl began to look around. "Really? I don't see it..."

"He means me, you moron!" Bonecrusher snapped.

Taking strong offense to Bonecrusher's insult, Brawl rammed into him, knocking him into Blackout and sending them both flying down. Starscream and Barricade groaned while they both struggled to untangle themselves from the parking garage they just leveled.

"Brilliant, Brawl!" Starscream growled.

"Oh, I bet the Autobots don't have to put up with anything this stupid..." Barricade sighed.

-Meanwhile, at the Autobot base-

"I have confidence in sunshine! I have confidence in rain!" Sunstreaker and Sideswipe sang in unison. "I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides which you see, I have confidence in me!"

"Out! Out! Get out of my medbay!" Ratchet snapped, pushing them both, laughing, out the door. "Both of you go be stupid someplace else!"

-Back with the Decepticons-

Frenzy heard something and jumped up on Barricade. "Barry-cade! Someone's coming!"

Barricade looked where Frenzy was pointing. "Crap! Human sparkling! Hide, quick!"

Frenzy plugged into Barricade. Blackout and Bonecrusher quickly scrambled to get up. As soon as the two were up off the ground they all quickly hid, with the exception of Brawl, who "hid" by standing in the open with his hands covering his optics, as if that would render him invisible.

"Brawl, what are you doing?!" Barricade demanded, running into the open, grabbing his wrist, and dragging him back to hide.

A little girl, about 7 or 8, peeked out the open window to investigate the sound. "Mommy, I heard something scary outside!" she called back to her mother.

"It was probably just the neighbor kids playing with live grenades again, honey. Don't worry about it," her mother called back.

"Can't you at least go check?" she asked.

"Go ask your father to check, sweetie."

"Daddy?" she called.

"Daddy? Are ya'll talking ta me? I ain't yo daddy! Alcohol's yo daddy!" her father replied. "There's a beer in the fridge! Ask him ta check for ya'll!"

"Alcohol was probably Bonecrusher's daddy too," Blackout whispered.

"That would explain a few things," Barricade agreed. They both started snickering while Bonecrusher growled at them and Starscream shushed them.

The sparkling wandered outside and looked around. She approached the fence that marked the boundary between the alleyway and her backyard and looked around. "Um... What happened to the garage? Hey, cool! A police-y car!" she said excitedly. "And look! A helly-copter! And a tank...and a jet...and I don't know what that thing is..."

"I hate human sparklings..." Bonecrusher growled.

"What else is new?" Barricade retorted. Starscream shushed them again.

The little girl stared straight at them. "Did they just...?"

Scorponok sneezed from the dust kicked up when Blackout and Bonecrusher smashed into the garage. "Gesundheit," Brawl said without thinking.

Blackout quickly transformed. "Eww! Scorponok, you sneezed in me!" Scorponok detached himself from Blackout, squeaked an apology, and quickly tried to clean out Blackout's moistened gears. "Yeah, that's right! You better clean it up!"

Everyone else transformed as well. Starscream smacked him in the back of the head. "Good going! You blew our cover!"

"Tell that to Scorponok! He's the one who sneezed!" Blackout countered, rubbing his head.

"Um, guys..." Brawl started. When he finally got their attention, he pointed to the little girl, who was gaping up at them. She suddenly started screaming, shattering their audio receptors and catching them by surprise.

"The child shrieks like a fruit bat!" Barricade screamed over the noise.

"Is someone slaughtering a baby pig, or is that horrible noise coming from the sparkling?!" Bonecrusher asked.

"It sounds like someone took a can of tortured souls and opened it very slowly, allowing them to escape one at a time!" Blackout groaned.

Barricade gave him a O.o look. "Nice comparison, Blackout..."

"Oh, will somebody just shut her the hell up?!" Starscream groaned.

"Hey! Demi-human! Shut up!" Bonecrusher snapped.

The little girl turned around and ran towards the house, screaming the whole time. "Mommy! Daddy! There are giant robots outside!"

"That's nice, sweetie," her mom replied.

"Don't come complainin' ta me! Go complain ta the beer! He'll make all yo troubles go away!" her father responded.

"That went well..." Blackout's optic twitched.

"Can someone scream in my audio receptors, just to make sure they haven't shorted?" Bonecrusher asked.

"Don't do it Brawl... He was being facetious," Barricade warned.

* * *

Yes, Blackout _did _just compare the cries of a child to the cries of the damned. You can tell he's never been a father, can you?


	4. All Hail the Conqueror!

Ladyofthedrgns said: _"Oh! I know one fun challenge for this team. One of them falls asleep in a abandoned campground. Wakes up with squirrls or chipmunks in his chassis. -_

_I can hear the screams of horror and protest already."_

I had a bit too much fun with this one, and it kinda got from funny to just plain silly. I couldn't stop laughing manically while I wrote it. Hope ya'll like!

By the way, when Barricade says, "I like that song", the song he is referring to is "Go Away" by Cold. It's a very good song. I was listening to it while I typed this.

* * *

"Finally, a place free of humans so we don't have to hide anymore!" Blackout sighed, sprawling out on the forest floor.

Bonecrusher and Brawl looked around the clearing uneasily. Bonecrusher was no doubt looking for walruses. No one knew what Brawl was looking for. Probably leprechauns coming to steal his spark (this fear courtesy of Blackout, the bastard!).

Barricade quickly pointed in their direction. "Oh my god! Giant robots!"

"Where?!" they both screamed, turning around suddenly and searching the forest. They both slowly turned around and glared at him while he walked away, whistling innocently.

"Not funny, Cade!" Bonecrusher growled.

Barricade snuggled up against Blackout (but only because it was the furthest away he could get from Starscream, who was on the other side of the clearing) and continued his façade of feigned innocence.

Brawl sat down next to some trees. A chipmunk came to complain about him plopping his shiny metal butt on his home. "What the hell is this thing?" he asked.

"Whatever it is, I think you angered it," Bonecrusher said.

"Go away, please!" Brawl asked the chipmunk, waving his hand at it. It continued to shriek at him. Seconds later, he pulled out several of his guns and turned the chipmunk into a smoking pair of feet in the center of a crater. "I said, GO AWAY!"

"I like that song," Barricade said almost automatically. Blackout shook his head and agreed.

"Way to handle your anger," Starscream shook his head.

"Eh, whatever," Brawl shrugged. "G'night." No one answered. "I said, g'night!"

"Good for you. Do you want a medal?" Bonecrusher replied mockingly.

"I hate you..." Brawl growled.

"Hey, that's my line!" Bonecrusher complained.

They were all unaware of the tiny pair of eyes watching them from the trees.

* * *

Some time in the middle of the night, Bonecrusher felt a frantic clawing at his shoulder. He turned around and noticed Barricade's arm sticking out from under Blackout and sighed. He violently shook Blackout. "Wake up, stupid! You rolled over on top of Barricade again!"

"Huh?" Blackout mumbled, half asleep. He felt something underneath him that wasn't there before and pushed himself up to see what it was. "Oh... Hi, Barricade." Barricade growled at him.

"Woah... Have you guys gotten desperate or something? How long have we been out here?" Brawl asked, coming to from the commotion.

"Ah, can't you two at least go somewhere else to do that instead of doing it right here?" Starscream complained.

Blackout quickly climbed off of Barricade, who jumped over onto the other side of Bonecrusher.

Scorponok sensed something and sent a message through his and Blackout's link-up. Blackout looked in the direction he had indicated. "Guys... Scorponok says we're being watched..."

"By what?" Bonecrusher asked.

"A walrus..." Barricade replied ominously. Bonecrusher screeched and tried to hide by pressing up against Blackout.

"Thanks, Barricade," Blackout said, unamused.

"I'm sure it's nothing," Starscream shrugged it off. "Go back to recharge."

They all decided to take his advice and slowly laid back down. Frenzy shook Barricade. "I saw something..."

"Me too... Stay close, just in case," he advised. He didn't have to tell him twice, as the minicon tunneled under Barricade's arm where he felt safer and made sure he was facing the forest.

"Seriously Bonecrusher, you need to move over!" Blackout grumbled, pushing him away.

"Well thank you for sentencing me to my death!" Bonecrusher snapped. Blackout rolled over and ignored him.

* * *

Brawl felt something atop his chassis as he woke up. He slowly opened his optics to see hundreds of small furry things sitting on him and the ground around him and screamed. The other Decepticons woke up from the noise and glanced in his direction.

"Woah, what the hell are those things?" Starscream asked, poking one. It hissed at him.

"I believe they're called "squirrels", Sir..." Barricade answered. "I've seen several around the human cities, running in front of cars and throwing nuts at people."

"Why are they all on top of Brawl, staring at him intently like that?" Bonecrusher asked.

"I don't know... I shall ask them," Blackout replied. "Hey you... Furry thing..." One of the squirrels looked in his direction and hopped over to him. "Chirp-chirp, squeaky-squeak?" The squirrel started squeaking in response. "Chirpy-chirpy?"

"Blackout can speak squirrel?" Bonecrusher asked.

"This is Blackout... Is it really all that amazing?" Barricade replied.

"How'd you learn to speak squirrel?" Starscream asked Blackout.

"I've known for a while... They speak the same language as Scorponok, just in a different dialect," he responded.

"Well? What are they saying?" Brawl asked in a shaky voice.

"Apparently, they're in a war with the chipmunks, and they saw you eliminate one of the chipmunk's top assassins," Blackout replied. "So now they think you're a conqueror or something."

"Wait, they what? You're not serious, are you? There's no way a squirrel would follow him...is there?" Starscream asked.

"Yeah, Starscream! Even the squirrels would rather pick Brawl over you as their leader!" Barricade teased. He quickly ducked when Starscream fired a missile at him.

_(Note: To make it easier on the readers, the rest of the squirrel dialog will be translated into a language you can all understand: Russian! Wait...)_

:ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY CONQUEROR!!: the squirrels all cheered in high-pitched, Alvin and the Chipmunks-type voices, jumping up and down on Brawl's chassis.

:You have vanquished the fearsome Shadowpaw and saved our leader from the chipmunks' attempts at assassinating him! We are eternally grateful!: a particularly large squirrel standing on Brawl's chest said to him.

:ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY CONQUEROR!!: the rest of the squirrels repeated. They jumped off of him and went underneath him, lifted him off the ground (strong squirrels...) and carried him somewhere.

"Where are they taking me?!" Brawl asked in fear.

"Squeaker-squeakity, chirp-chirp?" Blackout asked the head squirrel.

:We must take him to the Great Tree to meet our leader, Silvertail!: the squirrel replied.

"They're taking you to their leader," Blackout told him.

"But I don't want to be taken to their leader!" Brawl whimpered. He screamed as they carried him off, chanting "All hail the Conqueror!"

"I guess maybe we should follow them?" Blackout said once they were out of sight.

"Aww, do we have to?" Bonecrusher moaned.

* * *

The squirrels pulled Brawl atop a rather large oak tree and placed him in the branches. Two of the squirrels ran off to fetch Silvertail while the rest of them tended to his needs.

"But I don't eat acorns!" Brawl protested as they brought him a bowel of nuts.

:But great and mighty Conqueror, if you don't eat the acorns, however will you survive the winter?: one of the squirrels asked him.

"I don't even know what you just said!" Brawl whimpered.

:Maybe he's allergic to nuts?: a female squirrel asked.

:Hmm...shame: another replied.

:Maybe he's a carnivore?: a fox squirrel suggested.

:You think so?: an eastern gray squirrel asked him.

:It's worth a shot: the fox squirrel replied.

:Very well... Fetch the Conqueror a sacrifice!:

"Oh god, what are they doing now?!" Brawl attempted to back away. "And how is this tree able to support my weight?!" (Author's Note: Strong tree...) "This story doesn't make any sense at all!"

"Hey Brawl, are you okay?" Blackout called up the tree.

Brawl looked down to see the other Decepticons standing at the base of the tree. "No! They're trying to feed me squirrel food, and now they're doing strange stuff, and I'm scared!"

"Just hang in there, we'll rescue you in a second!" Blackout replied.

"We will?" Barricade asked. Blackout elbowed him hard. "Ow! I mean, hang in there, Brawl!"

"N-now what?" Frenzy asked.

"I'll stay here and translate for him. You guys find a way to get him down," Blackout instructed.

Brawl watched as the two squirrels returned with a large, eastern gray squirrel. The squirrel chirped at him. "Blackout, there's a squirrel here, and he's talking to me!"

"Don't worry, I'm coming up..." Blackout jumped up and climbed up into the tree. "Wow... Strong tree!" he commented. The squirrel repeated his chirping. "Okay... He's thanking you for blowing up Shadowpaw..."

"Tell him he's welcome..." Brawl replied. Blackout translated his Cybertronian into squirrel for him.

:The Conqueror says he's welcome!: a flying squirrel said.

:ALL HAIL THE CONQUEROR!!: every squirrel in the tree chanted.

:Bring the Conqueror an offering!: Silvertail commanded.

Two American red squirrels brought him a clay plate with a slab of raw meat on it. :An offering for the Conqueror!: one of the squirrels said.

_Uh oh... _Blackout thought.

"What do they want me to do?" Brawl whimpered.

"I think they want you to eat it..." he replied.

"Eww! I don't want to eat that!"

"You'd better, or you might offend them," Blackout warned. Brawl started whining.

_Meanwhile..._

"Oh yeah, and the squirrels called all your mothers whores, too," Starscream said. Scorponok translated.

:They said _what?!: _one of the chipmunks said in surprise.

:My mom is not a whore!: another snapped.

:DEATH TO THE SQUIRRELS!!: the chipmunks all chanted at once before preparing their battle armor and mighty steeds (which were actually frogs and turtles wearing saddles).

"Well what do you know? Starscream's acute ability to make people angry actually came in handy this time!" Barricade said.

* * *

Brawl was crying by the time he finished eating the squirrel's offering. The rest of the squirrels cheered, oblivious to his pain and suffering. "I think I'm gonna hurl!" Brawl moaned. For some reason, Blackout felt the need to translate that for the squirrels.

:The Conqueror says he's gonna hurl!: a squirrel said.

:YAY!!: the other squirrels cheered.

"See Brawl, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Blackout asked, a bit maliciously.

"Please shoot me!" Brawl whined.

Suddenly, a tiny arrow whizzed past them, followed by a barrage of arrows. Blackout and Brawl looked down to see several chipmunks wielding crossbows standing at the base of the tree. Several grappling hooks were thrown up onto the branches and battle-clad chipmunks began to ascend.

:The chipmunks are attacking!: a lookout squirrel cried.

:To your battle stations! Prepare the boiling pinesap!: Silvertail commanded. Seconds later, the chipmunk warriors were met with battle-ready squirrels and an all-out war broke out in and around the tree. Squirrels riding birds dumped boiling pinesap onto the heads of the chipmunks' amphibian and reptile-riding cavalry.

Brawl and Blackout leapt out of the tree and snuck away amidst the commotion to where the other Decepticons were waiting. "It took you long enough!" Blackout complained.

"Starscream, they made me eat something yucky!" Brawl cried.

"Yeah, whatever," Starscream replied, not really caring. "C'mon, let's go before the squirrels realize we're gone." They quickly ran off while the squirrels fought to defend their tree.

"Well this has been a weird day..." Barricade said.

"Right... We shant speak of this again, got it?" Starscream said. Everyone else quickly agreed.

* * *

Writing this chapter taught me something: When you're having violent laughing fits, NEVER try to take a sip of Mountain Dew. Shit went right up my nose. XD


	5. Hide and Go Seek

This chapter's really two random ideas that have been floating around my mind for a while rolled into one. Many of the jokes in this chapter came from things my sister has said (the part about sand-kicking, referring to tackles as "flying hugs", etc).

I'm gonna try to lay off the walrus jokes for a bit, ya'll. Next overused joke: Breaking the forth wall! (Although I don't know about any of you, but breaking the forth wall is always funny to me, no matter how many times it occurs in my stories.)

There's also a half-obscured joke in here that you'll probably only understand if you've ever watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Hey look, another Autobot makes a guest appearance in this!

**EDIT:** You know what, fuck these dividers! I'm so sick of them fucking the layout up all the time!

**XXxxXX**

_Arrna asks: "What were you on when you wrote this stuff? And where can I get some?"_

_I answer: Mountain Dew, laced with a bit of Pepsi. I got it from a shady character at a local corner mart... I had to add the Pepsi myself, which I got from a pizza guy._

**XXxxXX**

Blackout and Barricade both leaned against the side of a warehouse. Barricade was staring into space, drooling on himself. Blackout was holding his hand up and pinching his fingers together so that it looked as though he were crushing Starscream's head.

"I am so bored..." Blackout mumbled.

"Heh?" Barricade asked, so out of it that he barely understood him.

"Never mind," Blackout sighed.

"Heh?" Barricade repeated.

"How much longer are we going to be standing around, doing nothing?" Brawl groaned.

"I told you, we'll leave when I'm done!" Starscream snapped.

"Starscream, stop temporizing! I want to find Lord Megatron!" Blackout growled.

Starscream smiled inside, purposely withholding the fact that Blackout was actually supposed to be on the other side of the planet in Qatar with Scorponok, rather than here with them, in order to buy himself more time. "Go find a way to entertain yourselves until I'm done!"

"What are you even doing?" Bonecrusher demanded.

"I'm uh...doing important stuff! _Big _important stuff! More important than your inferior CPU's can comprehend!" he replied.

"Cop out! You're just poking a dead raccoon with a piece of metal!" Barricade snapped.

"When I'm the permanent ruler of the Decepticons, you'll all be the first to be publicly executed," Starscream mumbled.

Brawl sighed. He suddenly got the feeling that he was being watched. "Hey, what if our lives and everything we're doing right now is all a lie? What if everything we do is really just the product of a sadistic teenager on a sugar high with a wonky sense of humor and a pen, who takes on the persona of a frozen fruit? What if she's sitting on her bed right now, with her cat, a stuffed dog, and toy versions of some of the Autobots sitting around her, laughing while she's writing me breaking the forth wall into the story? What if maybe...maybe something horrible will happen soon that's hilarious to everyone except Barricade?"

"Brawl... Shut up," Bonecrusher growled. "You've been paranoid ever since that whole squirrel thing. None of what you said could ever happen."

"Why do I suddenly get the feeling that the cake is a lie?" Brawl wondered.

They all sat silently while Starscream did...whatever it was he was doing, and Brawl continued to break the forth wall. Barricade noticed the Autobot, Bumblebee, not too far away from them, probably trying to find a place with good reception so he could send a message to his companions.

"Hey look! It's that little wanker, Bumblebee!" he pointed out. "Let's go kick sand in his face!"

"Now Barricade, just because we don't like him, that doesn't mean we can kick sand in his face!" Blackout growled.

"Can I push him in the mud and sit on him then?" he asked.

"Much better. Go ahead!" Blackout motioned in the Autobot's direction.

Barricade cheered and ran off after the Autobot, who saw him and took off running in the opposite direction. "Where ya goin', Autobot? I'm not gonna hurt cha! I just want to rip out your optics and make them match your vocal processor!"

Blackout sat down and watched their violent "game" of what appeared to be a hybrid form of tag and tackle football. His symbiote crawled into his lap and watched with him, and even Bonecrusher seemed to stop acting emo enough to watch as well. He even allowed Frenzy to jump up on his shoulder.

"Hmm...the Autobot appears to be winning," Blackout observed.

"Barricade seems to be a bit out of practice," Bonecrusher added.

Barricade noticed an incoming message from Bumblebee and took a moment to read it. "Hey! My mother was not a hamster! And what the slag is an elderberry?!"

"I wonder how long they can keep this up for?" Bonecrusher asked.

"Eh, they'll both either get hungry or run out of fuel and pass out from exhaustion eventually," Blackout shrugged, petting Scorponok.

"I most certainly do NOT run like a snail with a broken leg!" Barricade replied to another of Bumblebee's text-encrypted taunts. "_What?! _Well I say it takes one to know one, Camaro!"

Barricade didn't realize that Bumblebee was leading him directly into a trap until the Autobot body slammed into a pile of junk in the next-door junkyard and sent it all tumbling down on the unsuspecting Mustang, pinning him to the ground. He struggled a bit, trying to pull himself free, and left slash marks on the ground where he clawed at it. Bumblebee stood a few feet away from him, smiling smugly, and kicked sand in his face before using a sound clip from Snakes on a Plane, "Who's your daddy now, bitch?!"

"I'm pretty sure he's the guy that screwed my mom," he replied, not really getting the joke. Bumblebee rolled his optics and scampered off.

Barricade continued struggling, and only managed to make more junk fall on top of him. To his horror, Blackout walked over and jumped on the pile, his added weight crushing Barricade's much smaller chassis.

"I can't believe you got your aft kicked by a sparkling!" Blackout laughed.

"He's not...a sparkling...! Now...get off me...! You're...crushing me...!" Barricade begged.

"Psh, he might as well be! He's the baby of the Autobots, and you just got your aft kicked by him!" the Pave Low teased maliciously.

"He cheated...! Get off...! Air vents...collapsing...suffocating...!!" His optics were beginning to pop out of his head.

"Hey everybody! Quick! Jump on the pile!" Blackout called to the others.

"That's...messed up...!" Barricade groaned. Scorponok scampered over and climbed up on the pile. Frenzy soon leapt up afterwards. "You...fragging...traitor...!" Barricade screamed at him. He whimpered when Bonecrusher climbed on top as well just for the hell of it.

"Hey, BC! What made you decide to climb up here with us?" Blackout asked.

"Boredom," he replied, unamused.

Barricade wanted to scream when Brawl, the heaviest of the group, ran over and took a flying dive onto the pile. To his relief, Starscream still had use for him.

"Get off of him," Starscream sighed.

"Aww, do we have to?" Blackout whined.

"Yes! Find some other way to entertain yourselves!"

They all jumped down and helped pull out Barricade, who miraculously had avoided being completely crushed. "Wow, Cade! I thought you'd come out looking like that cat we saw in the road earlier!" Blackout said upon noticing this as well. Barricade quickly forced his optics back into their sockets so that he could glare at him.

"So what do we do now?" Brawl asked.

"I don't know... How do the residents of this planet keep themselves entertained?" Blackout asked.

"Most of them just stare at this box with little people in it," Brawl replied.

"Oh yeah, what did that one person on the street call it again? A Boob Tube or something like that?" Bonecrusher said.

"Neh... I don't want to stare at something named after female body parts," Blackout stated.

"I would," Barricade interrupted.

"I want to actually do something," he continued.

"Like what?"

"Hmm..."

_-4 Hours Later-_

The tree that Blackout was trying to climb up went flying over. "Ow..."

"Blackout... You're like over 50 feet tall... You weigh about 3 or 4 tons... You do realize that you're not gonna be able to hide in most of these places where you're trying to hide, right?" Bonecrusher pointed out.

"Dammit, I'll make something work!!" Blackout growled, jumping up to look for someplace else to hide.

"He's coming," Barricade said.

"Shit!" Blackout spun around quickly until he saw someplace.

Brawl ran around from the back of the warehouse. "Where is he, where is he, where is he?!" He looked up onto the roof of the warehouse. "There he is!!"

"Dammit!" Blackout shouted angrily, jumping down. "I hate human games!"

"You had a fun time playing football," Barricade pointed out.

"He wasn't even playing the game! He was just running around tackling everybody!" Bonecrusher snapped. "He tackled me, and I was _on his fragging team!!" _

_-A little more than an hour ago-_

"HIKE!" Barricade said as he hiked the ball.

"Blackout?" Bonecrusher looked around, but he couldn't see Blackout anywhere.

Suddenly, the light from the sun was blocked out, almost like a total solar eclipse, only darker. Bonecrusher looked up to see the Pave Low flying out at him.

"FLYING HUG!" Blackout screamed before crashing into Bonecrusher. Shortly afterwards, he jumped up, all pumped up with the robot equivalent of testosterone. "WHOO!! That was a good one, huh Bonecrusher?! Uh... Bonecrusher?" He looked down at the Decepticon he had just tackled and noticed that he wasn't moving anymore. "Uh, guys, I think I killed him..."

_-The Present-_

Blackout snickered sadistically at the memory.

Brawl looked around. Let's see... Bonecrusher and Barricade weren't playing (Barricade was still injured after nearly becoming a living pancake, made worse by the damage from the football game; Bonecrusher was recovering from having been knocked out for an hour by one of Blackout's "flying hugs"). Starscream was ignoring them all. That just meant he had to find Scorponok and Frenzy. Those two were difficult as Frenzy had size and stealth on his side and Scorponok was the master of hiding. He took off running to look for him.

By the third or forth time he ran past, Blackout, Bonecrusher and Barricade were snickering madly. He glared at Blackout. "You have him..."

Scorponok detached himself from Blackout and peered over his shoulder, irritated that he had been found. Blackout could hear a stream of swear words over their bond. "Better luck next time, Scorponok," Blackout nuzzled him.

"Now that just leaves Frenzy... Where is he?" Brawl turned around for a moment. The others tried hard to refrain from laughing again when they saw Frenzy sitting on him and waving back at them. He spun back around. "Snap, he's good!"

"Or maybe you're just really stupid and unobservant," Bonecrusher suggested.

"What?"

"Nuttin'..."

**XXxxXX**

And there was gonna be more, but I have to work on this project... You see, I have a month to start and finish it, and if I don't do it, I don't graduate high school this year. :( If you want to add more to this chapter yourself since it's technically incomplete and I don't think I'll bother finishing it, go ahead, knock yourself senseless. Just tell me afterwards so that I can read it.

Also, if you're wondering why Bonecrusher agreed to that game of football, he didn't. Blackout forced him to play so the teams would be even and he'd have more people to hurt.

On a lighter note, I found a Sunstreaker at Wal-Mart! It was the last one there! -More on this story later; must work on project **NOW!!**-


End file.
